Adolescence is known to be a period of friction, change, and turmoil—for teenagers and their parents. For teenagers, it is a time of concern about acne, weight problems, menstruation, late development, early development, sexual arousal, school pressures, boredom, parental hassles, peer pressures, and money problems. It is a time of confused feelings, particularly about parents. Teenagers fight for independence, yet fear too much freedom. They resent overprotection, but need and want parental attention.

For parents, it is a challenge to keep a balanced perspective on their teenager’s emotions and behavior. As their children bounce back and forth between childhood and adulthood, many parents don't know what to expect next. They must continue to discipline their teens, yet they understand their teenager’s growing need for independence, even for rebellion.

It’s easy to understand why many parents and teenagers find this a difficult period to survive. But, once it's over, even the most rebellious teenagers often become appreciative, affectionate, and devoted to their parents. With maturity comes the realization that much of their parents’ behavior was motivated by love.

Be assured, that time will come. Until it does, try the tips and techniques for avoiding turmoil with your teen.

• Set a good example. Children and teenagers learn by what they see. Too often adults say one thing and do another. “Do as I say and not as I do,” will not carry much weight with teens. Eventually children will ask questions such as, “What’s wrong with smoking pot when my parents get stoned on alcohol?”

• Supervise and guide. Although teenagers are capable of handling certain privileges and responsibilities, they still need limits. Deciding with your teenager what these limits are will usually elicit a more reasonable attitude. Moderate and selective guidance is one of the best ways to prevent a breakdown of communication.

• Communicate. Use words and actions to explain what you expect from your children. Although teenagers appreciate being included in some decision making, they do not want parents to give up authority or to be wishy-washy. Parents who appear confused about discipline, who are inconsistent, or who disagree between themselves can be perceived as weak. Your teenagers need the security of knowing what you expect of them.

• Respect your teenager’s desire for individuality and independence. You can influence and guide your teenagers without forcing them to look, act, and think a certain way. You can respect your teenagers as individuals without agreeing with all their ideas. Likewise, your teens can respect you while rejecting some ofyour beliefs. Try to assume the role of a watchful bystander, ready to come forward when help is needed.

• Take an interest in your children's activities and friends. This helps to reduce the distance between you, because it demonstrates your acceptance of their world. Allow your teenagers time to be with their friends. Welcome their friends when they come to visit. Taking an interest in your children’s activities and friends does not mean invading your child’s privacy.

• Try not to overreact. Many parents brace themselves for the onslaught of adolescence, convinced that it will be a long, hard struggle. They are quick to overreact the first time their teenager steps out of line. They punishseverely, withdraw trust, and lose confidence in their teenagers. It is natural for adolescents to test their parents’ authority and to assert their independence. Parents must let their children make mistakes and, at the same time, be ready to help when help is needed.

• Be realistic. It is not realistic to expect complete harmony between the generations. Nor is it pleasant to live through a period of bickering and strain, even if it is only temporary. When parents and teenagers make efforts to communicate and respect each other, adolescence can be an exciting period of discovery for everyone.

Get help if you feel you need it. If you are struggling with the demands of parenting, the Prevention Information Resource Center and Parent Helpline is available throughout New York State, 24 hours a day, in English and Spanish, at 1-800-342-7472. Someone will listen to your concerns and give you information about programs and services that support parents and children.

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