General Parenting: Punishment and Discipline

All children misbehave at times. It's a natural part of being a kid. However, punishing children when they misbehave is generally not a good idea. Why?

When children are punished, they become hurt, angry and defiant. They forget about what they did wrong and focus on the wrong done to them. When this happens, you have lost an opportunity to teach your children about appropriate behavior. Children need to learn what to do instead of misbehaving. Discipline teaches them. The job of parents is to help them learn. Instead of punishment, try the following discipline techniques.

Clearly, calmly, firmly tell your children what to do. Tell them what you expect. Show them or tell them how to solve problems. For example:

• "I can't work when my tools are all over. Hang them on the rack and put the nails in the can."
• "I don't want you to break the window. Play ball in the back of the house instead of here near the window."

Don't get trapped in a cycle of arguing. If your children argue with you, simply repeat your calm, firm statement.

Express strong disapproval if necessary, but be careful not to attack with your words. Tell your children how you feel about their behavior and why you feel that way. Try saying:

• "I don't like what is going on here. Someone could get badly hurt."

Make sure they understand that you still love them and that it is their behavior you don't like.

Give your children a choice, but only a choice you can live with. For example:

• "You may walk beside me or ride in the cart. You decide."
• "Dinner is at 5:30. Be home then if you want to eat."

Take action. Follow through after you have given a choice or told them what you expect. For example:

• "Since you are not staying beside me, you must ride in the cart."
• "You are still arguing over the toy, so I'm putting it away until after dinner."

Everyone makes mistakes. If you realize that you've mistreated your children, don't be afraid to tell them that you're sorry, that their feelings are important to you, and that you're figuring out ways of being a better parent.

A few more specifics on discipline:

• Babies are never candidates for discipline. They're too young!
• Use discipline sparingly. All children react better to approval and affection!
• Discipline only when reasonable expectations are not met. Define clearly, in advance, what you want them to do!
• Be consistent. Whatever style of discipline you choose, use it in every situation, even in public or when the grandparents are visiting.
• Review expectations regularly. There are no perfect parents. If your children are not meeting your expectations, the expectations probably need changing, not the child.
• Shame, rejection, withdrawal of affection, or preferential treatment of one child over another are not effective methods of disciplining children.

If you are struggling with the demands of parenting, the Prevention Information Resource Center and Parent Helpline is available throughout New York State, 24 hours a day, in English and Spanish, at 1-800-342-7472. Someone will listen to your concerns and give you information about programs and services that support parents and children.

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